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23 Steps to Prepare Dinner

Alternative title: Winner Winner Chicken Dinner

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  1. Meal plan. Pour over your favorite cookbooks, magazines and pinned recipes. Create a flowery weekly spread in your bullet journal and use your very best lettering skills to document your meals daily. Draw a grocery basket full of root vegetables or a dining room table with place settings – as needed.
  2. Write your grocery list based on each recipe. Then from that list, rewrite your list based on each grocery department so you have all of your produce in one place and you don’t get to the the sushi side of the Buford Highway Farmers Market, realize you forgot your cabbage, and walk the 4 miles back to produce, only to be elbowed, have your cart hit, and realize you forgot the soy sauce. If you’d prefer to get your 10,000 steps in at a grocery store, skip this suggestion.
  3. Get home at 3:00 PM and realize it’s too late to start your crock pot recipe for your chicken. Move the recipe to next week, because obviously just switching it out with the recipe for tomorrow is crazy, and who makes crock pot recipes ON A WEEKDAY? (Everyone. Everyone makes crockpot recipes on a weekday except you.)
  4. Forget to put your chicken in the freezer.
  5. On the day you plan to prepare your dish, realize you did not plan ahead AGAIN.
  6. Pour yourself a glass of wine.
  7. Decide to boil your chicken instead of slow cook it, to get the nice, dry, flavorless shredded chicken dish everyone knows and loves.
  8. Take your chicken out the refrigerator. Ignore that fact that it’s been in there for 10 days.
  9. Pierce the packaging of the chicken to allow the putrid smell of salmonella (probably) to waft through your tiny, tiny kitchen.
  10. Boil water.
  11. Inspect each chicken breast, determine 3 out of 4 of them only smell slightly off and still look mostly pink, and throw them in the boiling water.
  12. Take the remaining chicken breast that smells like the dying insides of your dog’s bowels, throw it into the trash.
  13. Take the trash outside.
  14. Pray your neighbors can’t smell your shame.
  15. Prepare the rest of your meal, which is basically just chopped cabbage and a soy sauce based dressing.
  16. When your chicken is finished boiling, pull it out of the water.
  17. Notice the peach gray look, and unmistakable stench of death, destruction, and future diarrhea.
  18. Take a small bite.
  19. Immediately regret your decision.
  20. Repeat steps 12-14. 
  21. Look longingly at your cabbage.
  22. Refill your wine.
  23. Order food from UberEats.

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